• Nikól Rogers
  • Nov 29, 23

109. From Infertility to Adoption. One Mother’s Journey To Creating The Family Of Her Dreams

"I had developed tunnel vision thinking the only way I was going to create a family was through pregnancy, and it made me feel like a failure every month when I would get my cycle."

There is a mantra amongst adoptive mothers that goes, “trust that your child is your child.”


In Sanskrit, a mantra is defined as “a sacred message or counsel”. In modern times this definition has been modified to mean “a phrase that is repeated often that expresses someone’s basic beliefs.”


Mantras have been powerful tools throughout time to help people achieve their dreams by combining a connection to the sacred with the deepest desires of our hearts and what we believe we are capable of in our lives.


And for those who enter into the world of adoption, this combination can be the difference between creating the family you desire or never experiencing the fulfilling joy of parenthood in your lifetime.


I know, because it was only this mantra that saw me through an 11 year journey of disappointment, roadblocks, and setbacks to finally hold my daughter in my arms for the first time. The mantra helped me take a lifelong dream and bring it into reality.


The Beginning of My Journey

From an early age, I always imagined myself as a mother. I loved to play with my dolls and took great care with my stuffed animals. When I married my husband at the tender age of 22, it was with the shared understanding that we would create a family together.


That marriage ended 15 years later, because we were no longer on the same page about children. He didn’t want to be a father and I was desperate to become a parent.


While it was terrifying to go through a divorce in my late 30’s, what fueled me was my vision of a family, and the belief that I would eventually create one.


So, with that fuel, I used my divorce as a “13,” or what I call a sacred opportunity for transformation. I called out for help to heal my heart, started therapy, and placed all of my attention on addressing whatever needed to be resolved in my life so that I could call in a very different man than my ex.


It was messy and completely awkward but I put one foot in front of the other. Because I had met my first husband so young, I had never dated before. So here I was at the age of 38, stumbling through all the dating apps, and experiencing disappointment, embarrassment, and ghosting.


And then four years later, I went on the last first date of my life with a blue-eyed occupational therapist from New Jersey, and fell madly in love.

Trusting the Process- and Yourself

The trust that I had over this process had led me to a quality man who wanted to create a family as much as I did.


We were married the next year and started trying to start a family naturally. When nothing happened, we decided to go through IVF using the eggs I had frozen after my divorce. However, I had a debilitating reaction to the synthetic hormones, and the transfer failed. Even worse, none of the eggs that were fertilized made it to the viable stage for another try.


I was devastated, but returned to my basic belief I would create a family. It wasn’t going to be through IVF, but I did have other options.


So, we went back to trying naturally and within the year I was pregnant. For all I had been through, it felt like a miracle and I read to my belly every night. It was just before my 45th birthday and I felt like I was overcoming all the odds. I placed my attention on my trust and began to dream of a nursery.


And then just before my 11th week, I experienced a miscarriage.


The grief was deep, and I felt so sad. We went back to trying naturally, but my heart was broken, and after a year, I began to recognize I was becoming desperate.


From Tunnel Vision to Broadened Perspective

I had developed tunnel vision thinking the only way I was going to create a family was through pregnancy. It made me feel like a failure every month when I would get my cycle.


This wasn’t helping my trust or feeding the fuel of my visions so I shifted and started looking into adoption. Within seven weeks of going live with a consultant, we were matched with a birth mother and began to plan the arrival of a baby boy into our home.


But a month before he was born, the birth mother changed her mind. As we stared at the empty glider we planned to rock our child to sleep in, I felt devastated. My heart was broken again, and I felt my only option left was to surrender.


Surrender to trust, and return to the mantra that reminded me, “your child is your child.”


Meeting Our Daughter

And then a few months later, we got the call. The call that every pre-adoptive parent waits for, the call that your child has been born. We drove through the night, across many state lines to hold our daughter in our arms for the first time.


And when I looked into her face, I finally knew.


I knew why the IVF failed. I knew why the miscarriage happened, and I knew why the first adoption fell through.


This was our child, and the connection was palpable.

She had been waiting for us. I just didn’t realize until this moment that I had to wait for her. 


The mantra had been guiding me to stay rooted in my trust, because my vision was going to come true. Just not in the way I originally thought or in the timeline I had planned.


Holding her little hand, I experienced the greatest miracle of all.

The miracle of becoming who I believed I could be, despite all the challenges. I knew looking into her eyes that anything was possible. That I could trust myself to bring any vision to life.


Nikól Rogers is a speaker, writer, and empowerment coach who helps people reclaim their confidence, expand their perfect audience, and bring their fearless vision to life. She has taught her ZenRed Method globally, which teaches you how to re-frame how you think, feel, and act from a place of power, rather than from fear or limiting beliefs. Her work is greatly influenced by her Zen practice, Qi Gong, Nonviolent Communication, and her decades of experience as an Artist. Her new book is called 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Discovering Her Greatest Power (Zenred / November 2, 2023 / $13.99). Connect with Nikól Rogers at 13thebook.com and on social media @Nikol_Rogers.