by Susanne Grant | Nov 15, 2022 | Mental Health
**This is a repost of a classic Informed Pregnancy article.
“Taking care of yourself has to be your number one priority. The better you feel the bigger the difference you can make in this world; for yourself, your family and your friends.”
As a hypnobirthing teacher and healing coach I have mums (to-be) coming to me for emotional healing support. Many of us struggle to find our way in this life changing experience; rediscovering ourselves, our bodies and our relationships. Maybe pregnancy and birth didn’t go as you hoped for, leaving behind feelings of failure, guilt or sadness.
This new phase may have brought up old feelings from prior relationships, (sexual) abuse, or other negative experiences, triggering you as you try to continue. I see it time and time again, it is completely normal! These triggers – how overwhelming they may be – create the beautiful opportunity to allow you to find healing. These are my tips to promote emotional healing after pregnancy and birth:
Tip 1: It’s ok, not to be ok!
It begins by acknowledging what you feel is ok. That it is normal to feel like everything isn’t ok. Really, it is ok! Whatever you are feeling right now, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, is ok. However, do not ignore it!
Tip 2: Listen
Start paying attention to what triggers you. Is it something that is being said to you? Is it a sound, a smell, a situation that reminds you of something? When you figure out what is your trigger, you need to look at the story behind it. What are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself you are not good enough? You don’t deserve it? For example, when you get into an argument with your partner for not doing things your way, is it because it makes you feel worthless? Or when you’re not in control, is it because you are scared to lose everything you worked so hard for? It can be helpful to start journaling and writing down what you are experiencing each day.
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Tip 3: Self-care needs to be the priority
Taking care of yourself has to be your number one priority. The better you feel the bigger the difference you can make in this world; for yourself, your family and your friends. Don’t be harsh on yourself, if you need to take time off to take care of yourself or your little ones, do it! The world doesn’t end when you say ‘No’ every once in a while! That’s why it is so important for you to start listening to what you need. Do you need more rest? Some alone time? Or do you need someone to help you? Remember, knowing your boundaries isn’t a sign of failure! Allow yourself, and others, to take care of you.
Tip 4: Start EFT
The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or “tapping” is a great and gentle tool to help you release those trapped feelings that you just can’t seem to get rid of. Tapping on specific points of the body, it will help to releasing the blockages within the energy system which are the source of emotional intensity and discomfort you have been feeling. That is why it is so important you need to start listening to what is bothering you and where it shows up in your body. When you do, and start giving it the attention it deserves it will start shifting. When you use EFT on top of this it will promote the healing even further. You may need to do a few repetitions; you may need to do it for a few minutes each day for the next for days or weeks. Just keep going until it’s completely gone!
Postpartum recovery takes time, so give yourself the time you deserve. Take as much rest as you need and make sure you find a balance that works for you with plenty of water and nurturing foods. If you still feel like you are not feeling well, please tell someone. Talk to a friend, colleague, or family member. You are not alone!
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Susanne is an international Hypnobirthing & Healing coach who specializes in (birth) trauma, PTSD & body issues. She coaches women around the world to heal sexual abuse & trauma as well as prior traumatic births. While pregnant, Susanne’s experience of child abuse put her on a different road of care from her team of midwives. This gave her a new mission in life, helping women heal wounds from the past. Having been diagnosed with PTSD at 17, she knows firsthand how challenging this can be.
For support pre or post birth, and her free Heal Yourself Workshop, please visit www.grantmethod.com or email her at susanne@grantmethod.com
by Ashley and Justin Brienza | Nov 9, 2022 | Fertility, Pregnancy
” God bless my wife, then came the hard part. The embryos arrived at the clinic and our doctor began the workup with injections and tests. It was a whirlwind of emotions but with guidance from our doctor, all went as planned. A few short weeks later we were ready for our transfer.”
September 2016, day one of our honeymoon. My wife and I decide to drive the Maui coast, along the Road to Hana. A multi-hour journey, hair pinned turns, and a day of reflection as we start our new lives and journey together. On the radio plays our theme song Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” A tour guide app assists us, speaking about life, purpose, and the idea that the Road to Hana is more about the journey than the destination.
Our journey and new chapter of our life began that week. For most, life is planned and in sequential order and my wife has always planned to be a mother. On this trip, we had hopes of continuing our journey of life and starting our family…
The honeymoon ended, months went by, and quickly we came to learn that starting a family is harder than we had originally thought. Patience – that’s what my wife kept telling me. As time went on, our patience grew to frustration but we kept quiet; wondering, broken, and numb.
Stepping through the door to the fertility center we thought, “This won’t be so bad. We will run some tests, find out the problem, and be on our way.” A couple of tests later, we were indeed on our way and heading back to Maui a second time for a family vacation.
This time though, the honeymoon was over. On our first day, we got the alarming call from the
doctor’s office. Sure enough, the test results had come back and we were devastated. Our likelihood of having children on our own was very low. We had so many questions, emotions, and thoughts, all overbearing. Our world crumbled around us as we saw so many of our dreams never becoming a reality.
Soon we began undergoing fertility treatments to conceive, but after two failed attempts, we were left heartbroken and with a deep sadness. We had many days of grieving but our desire to have a family was still very strong so we began looking into adoption. Through this journey, we found Snowflakes Embryo Adoption. With a little bit of research, we knew this was a perfect fit. We felt that these embryos’ lives were our path to becoming parents. We met with several adoption agencies and without hesitation, we knew that Nightlight/Snowflakes was the right choice for us.
Days later, as my wife and I tried to come to a decision. We wondered “What is our true purpose, do we ever really know?” and “ Are we not meant to be parents?” To take our mind off things we decided to see a movie. A movie about foster adoption called Instant Family was playing. It was great and very heartwarming. I will not spoil the plot but at the end, a character hits the radio and on comes a song. Not just any song, but our song, the one Ashley and I play over and over: “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.” We looked at each other, the perfect moment, both of us wiping away the tears. This was us. NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US NOW.
That week, we signed the Snowflakes Embryo Adoption contract. Both of us working quickly, we completed all necessary requirements of the adoption process and entered the matching phase. At this point, we were 3 months in and were informed it would take months to be matched. But God had another plan. Six days, yes, SIX DAYS later we were matched. “Is this real?” we thought. We were both ecstatic. The portfolio came through and felt the match was perfect.
The placing family that chose us were truly wonderful and have become an extended family to us. An instant family, just like the movie that helped guide us down this path and we couldn’t be more thankful. We agreed to have an open adoption and developed a bond with them that is truly indescribable.
God bless my wife, then came the hard part. The embryos arrived at the clinic and our doctor began the workup with injections and tests. It was a whirlwind of emotions but with guidance from our doctor, all went as planned. A few short weeks later we were
ready for our transfer.
Our transfer went perfectly! A day surrounded by love, God’s blessings, and even a little bit of humor. And, of course, our song played throughout. Afterwards we anxiously counted down each long day. After the first test we received the phone call, one we once thought we’d never receive, telling us “Congratulations, you are pregnant!” Ashley had them repeat it multiple times because those words were music to our ears. I started crying as I looked at her. “We did it! YOU did it!” jumping up and down in celebration. But we understood we were at the bottom of the mountain looking up, we knew we still had a long journey. We still took a moment to celebrate.
We welcomed our daughter Kayley in March 2020. Around Kayley’s first birthday we made the decision to start planning a sibling for her and we had five remaining embryos. Our second transfer was very similar to our first. We transferred two embryos. This transfer resulted in one blighted ovum and one healthy growing baby.
Now, along our own “Road to Hana” I am happy to report that we welcomed our second Snowflake baby, Kathryn, in February 2022. (A full biological sibling to our daughter Kayley). Our daughters are the most incredible aspect of our lives and our bond with them is indescribable. They were always meant to be our daughters and we were always meant to be their parents. Embryo Adoption is the source of our greatest joy and hope. It has given us the opportunity to grow our family in the most beautiful way.Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.
Ashley and Justin live in Pittsburgh, PA with their two daughters and two miniature schnauzers. Justin is a pharmacy manager and oversees multiple locations throughout the country. Ashley works to oversee educational facilities to ensure program quality. She is also a certified instructor and awards grant funding to programs. Both Ashley and Justin love living an adventurous life. Their hobbies include bike rides, walking their pups, spending time with family, neighbors and friends, and traveling. And of course, living in a true sports town, they love to cheer on all Pittsburgh Sport Teams. Both Ashley and Justin are very passionate about embryo adoption and hope to help bring awareness to this incredible family building option.
by Kate Eales | Nov 1, 2022 | Cesarean and VBAC, Labor and Delivery
**This is a repost of a classic Informed Pregnancy article.
“During those final days, though, Dr. Schneider asked me one question that gave me pause: Why did I want a VBAC so much? Even after all I’d done to try for a successful VBAC, it was a difficult question to answer. For me, having a VBAC certainly didn’t matter more than having a healthy child.”
My VBAC journey began, as many do, with an unwanted cesarean.
It wasn’t that the labor and delivery of my first child were terribly traumatic. But for five hours after my son’s birth – time I had hoped to spend bonding with my new baby – I was alone in a recovery room, my sense of failure growing by the minute. All of the messages of empowerment that I’d received before labor now haunted me instead: Women are built for natural childbirth. Your body knows what to do. You and your baby will work together to make it happen. What did it mean about me as a woman, and as a mother, that I hadn’t done it? I worried that I’d never be able to breastfeed, that my baby and I would never bond, that I had failed him in his first moments of life.
These worries faded as we met, and bonded, and breastfed without trouble, but the seeds of doubt about my birth experience had been sown deep. Was it my fault for getting an epidural at 4cm? Had I not been moving enough in labor? Had the clock really run out, or was my midwife (who’d been at the hospital for four straight days with deliveries) just exhausted?
During my second pregnancy, I resolved to do as much as I could to avoid feeling so much self-judgment and doubt after the baby’s arrival. I ruled out a home birth, just as I had the first time, but I knew that the first change to make was also the most important: I needed a new care provider whose opinion and experience I trusted completely. I was thrilled when I found Dr. Jessica Schneider, partly because I knew she was supportive of VBAC, and partly because our communication was so open and easy. I remember coming home from one of our first appointments and saying to my husband, “I’m going for a vaginal birth, but whatever happens, I know I’m in good hands. If she says I need a cesarean, I’ll trust her.”
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As my pregnancy progressed, I did everything that I felt comfortable doing to increase my odds of VBAC success. I found a wonderful doula, took hypnobirthing and VBAC prep classes, and started regular acupuncture and chiropractic visits. At every ultrasound, I was told that my daughter was measuring big, but my doctor assured me that we could still try for a VBAC. As I sailed past weeks 37, 38, and 39, I took steps at home to avoid an induction, which I knew counter-indicated VBAC success. Herbal teas, nipple stimulation, scrubbing the floor, sex… I tried them all. I remained hopeful for a long time, but as I passed 40 weeks with no sign that labor was near, I realized I was starting to panic. My first baby had been late, and big, and arrived via cesarean, and here I was, past my due date again, with another big baby… I shared my mounting anxieties with Dr. Schneider and she assured me that yes, we could still try. The decision to go for a VBAC was going to stay in my hands.
During those final days, though, Dr. Schneider asked me one question that gave me pause: Why did I want a VBAC so much? Even after all I’d done to try for a successful VBAC, it was a difficult question to answer. For me, having a VBAC certainly didn’t matter more than having a healthy child. Sitting inside that exam room, it was incredibly hard to say out loud that I worried I would feel like less of a woman if I never had a vaginal birth. Hearing myself say it, I knew it was absurd – but once I said it, I cried, and that emotional release felt better than anything else I’d done in the preceding few weeks. After that cathartic moment of letting go, I decided to schedule my induction, and I stopped scrubbing the floor at home. Labor would start before my induction, or it wouldn’t. I spent those last few days relaxing.
At the end of my 42nd week, I went in for my induction. I had a mental list of targets for my labor and delivery, and to my joy, everything starting humming along as I’d hoped. After an initial small dose of Pitocin, I labored naturally for hours, and this experience was completely different from my first. At 8cm, I asked for a walking epidural, after which I was able to keep moving: squatting, doing yoga, resting, and then moving again, doing everything I could to make my baby come down.
As it turned out, my baby was not coming down. About 24 hours after my induction began, my dilation had stalled and the baby had been stuck at zero station for several hours. Dr. Schneider came in and gently said, “I think it’s time to talk about a c-section.”
And there we were. I won’t deny that I was disappointed. But once my husband and I were alone, discussing our options, we both came back to what I’d said before about trusting Dr. Schneider. She was leaving the door open for me to wait if I wanted to, but she didn’t advise it, or think it would help. What would I be fighting for if I said no, and for how long?
My mantra for labor (and the name of at least three tracks on my music playlist!) was “Let Go.” It felt clear to me now that the best way for me to bring my daughter into the world was to let go of my vision for how it would happen.
That is how my VBAC journey came to end with a repeat cesarean. But this time, after my (healthy, 10-pound!) daughter was born, my doctor made sure we weren’t separated at all. I held her and nursed her in recovery, and in the days that followed, our bonding and my recovery went beautifully.
Before we said yes to the second cesarean, my husband and I talked about how having another cesarean would mean leaving certain questions unanswered forever. Would our daughter have come down if I’d kept on squatting and walking for a few more hours? Maybe. Might I have had a VBAC if I’d had a home birth? Perhaps. Was there anything I could have done differently to end with the VBAC I’d hoped for? It’s possible. But in leaving these “what if” scenarios unanswered, I feel peace knowing there’s another question that will remain unanswered: what if I will never know how lucky I am that cesareans exist? No matter the answers, I feel okay with not knowing.
One thing I do know is that in no way am I less of a woman, or less of a mother, because I birthed my son and daughter via cesarean. And while I believe that “healthy baby, healthy mother” comes first, I know that they are not the only things that matter. It turns out that it mattered to feel that my birth “experience,” not just the statistical outcome, were important to my care team, and it mattered that I felt good about myself when all was said and done. I do feel good about myself. My second cesarean turned out to be a second chance, and I have no regrets about my choice to let go.
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Kate Eales was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA. She is a prenatal yoga teacher and feature film editor.
