Relationships with the In-Laws

Relationships with the In-Laws

by | Oct 25, 2022 | Family and Relationships, Mental Health

“Let’s all agree that unilaterally, parents typically mean well and truly have your best interests at heart. That being said, after having a baby, chances are that your parents fit into one of two categories: there is the “I love you…you are amazing…I could not have done it without you” (we will call that category A), and then there is the “I love you, but you are making me crazy, and if you don’t get out of my face and give me some space I am going to scream” (category B). ”

The old saying: “You can’t live with ’em, you can’t live without ’em” must have been referring to parents/in-laws. Nothing challenges your relationship with your parents more than joining the ranks and becoming parents! Yikes! I am one of them.

Having a child often shines a spotlight on both the positive and negative experiences and feelings that you have towards your own parents. Becoming a parent can serve as catalyst for bonding with your parents in a new way, or it can serve as a direct reminder of the ways that mom and dad may have neglected to be the parent you were wanting.

The postpartum period, however, is not a good time to remind mom and dad about all the ways they may have failed you and how you are going to do better with your child. So if you are noticing some of those feelings come to the surface, pregnancy is a wonderful time to explore and work through those experiences before your baby arrives.

Let’s all agree that unilaterally, parents typically mean well and truly have your best interests at heart. That being said, after having a baby, chances are that your parents fit into one of two categories: there is the “I love you…you are amazing…I could not have done it without you” (we will call that category A), and then there is the “I love you, but you are making me crazy, and if you don’t get out of my face and give me some space I am going to scream” (category B).

 

 

The problem is that oftentimes you will not know which category your parents belong to until after your baby is born. Then it might be too late – you already committed yourself to having your mom move in with you, sleep on the couch, and be there 24/7 for the first 6 weeks of your baby’s life. (Insert scream here).

When you find yourself with category A parents – you are in luck. Embrace them and revel in the support they can offer you as you adjust to motherhood. Remember that there is nothing wrong with accepting help. In my opinion, it is the strong women that can utilize help from others, recognize that they are a part of a village, and do not have to do it all alone. There is not a special award given out to women who feel a need to prove that one day post delivery they can be superwoman. It doesn’t exist, so relax and enjoy the helping hands around you.

There are usually clues along the way that you may have a category B parent on your hands. I want you to remember that right after you have a baby, you are feeling vulnerable and emotional. You will likely not be feeling your best or in the mood to entertain any high maintenance, not self-sufficient guests. You will probably be looking to surround yourself with safe people who won’t take your mood changes, pointed comments, or emotional moments personally and will be empathic of your need to recover from birth and appreciate the emotional magnitude of your journey to parenthood.

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So, if your parents are typically high maintenance, needy people who like to be catered to, chances are they are going to fall in the latter category and might not be an optimal choice to play a major role on your postpartum care team. Situations tend to get more stressful after having a baby, not less. So, if under the best of situations, an evening out with the folks usually results in you needing a stiff drink and an ice pack, then….you guessed it – great contenders for category B and an awful contender for a long-term post birth houseguest.

That doesn’t mean that mom and dad don’t have a role in the process. It simply means you want to think about the situation more strategically and please, I am begging you, don’t have them sleep on your couch or in a second bedroom in your house. There are wonderful hotels/motels or awesome friends that would be happy to host your parents so that you can enjoy the best of both worlds: quiet time alone as well as nice visits with mom and dad.

They may, however, make great people to run errands, do the food shopping, pick up dry cleaning, and other valuable contributions to your postpartum experience in a less hands-on way. As you envision your postpartum experience, it is advisable to think about everyone’s strengths and how they will be most helpful to you during this special time. Yup, you guessed it; this time is all about you and what you need in the moment to ensure that you have the best possible start to motherhood.

 

 

If one parent has a particular skill in cooking, assign them to cooking duty. If another parent enjoys shopping, they get shopping duty and everyone can pick straws for cleaning duty. Sit down with your partner while you are still pregnant and jot down a list of daily activities/errands that have to get done as well as some of your favorite recipes. You can disseminate the various tasks to different people or leave the list on the refrigerator. And in the absence of parents or in-laws, there are other wonderful people: doulas, nurses and professional services, drop off and delivery services, and cleaning services around you that will be happy to be a part of your village and postpartum team.

One last note: if during the pregnancy, you already have strong thoughts regarding what you may or may not want from your parents or what role you may or may not want them to play, I strongly recommend you share it with them before the baby’s birth. This will alleviate a lot of stress on you after the birth and will likely give them a better chance to honor your requests.

 

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Dr. Alyssa Berlin is a clinical psychologist specializing in pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. She offers private counseling for women individually and with their partners. Dr. Berlin is the creator of The AfterBirth Plan™, a program that prepares couples for what to expect after a baby is born. The workshop teaches couples how to prepare for a healthy postpartum transition for the baby, for each partner, and for the evolving relationship. She combines her psychological background and her doula training to help women and their partners feel empowered and comfortable in the labor and delivery process, both on a physical and emotional level. Dr. Berlin has specific expertise addressing fear and anxiety that may arise before, during, or after birth.

Dr. Berlin is on the Board of Advisors for the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) and is a faculty member of Maternal Mental Health NOW Training Institute. She conducts live pregnancy and parenting workshops throughout Southern California and online. You can read Dr. Alyssa’s blogs on the Huffington Post where she contributes to PBS’s ‘This Emotional Life” project. Dr. Berlin received her doctorate degree at Argosy University in Atlanta, GA and went on to become a certified Gottman educator. She is a member of the American Psychological Association. She and her husband, prenatal chiropractor Dr. Elliot Berlin, live in Los Angeles and are the proud parents of four amazing children.

5 Key Principles for Happy Parents and Effective Parenting

5 Key Principles for Happy Parents and Effective Parenting

by | Sep 6, 2022 | Family and Relationships, Mental Health

**This is a repost of a classic Informed Pregnancy Project article.

“I find that moms in particular often view caring for themselves as a shameful experience; as if they should be above needing time for themselves. Just yesterday, I had a friend ask me what I was doing this morning and when I mentioned that my husband took the kids out so I could have some quiet time, her reply was, “What…really? You need that too?”

I want to share some principles for happy parents and effective parenting. But before I do, I want you to know that I am a firm believer that your ability to care for others, be it a partner or a child, stems from nurturing yourself. If you are completely depleted then you have nothing to give to others.

I find that moms in particular often view caring for themselves as a shameful experience; as if they should be above needing time for themselves. Just yesterday, I had a friend ask me what I was doing this morning and when I mentioned that my husband took the kids out so I could have some quiet time, her reply was, “What…really? You need that too?” The answer is yes, without exception we all need to charge our batteries from time to time, and right here and now I am giving you permission to take care of yourself. Your partner and kids will thank you.

Now that we got that covered, here are my 5 Key Principles for Happy Parents and Effective Parenting:

  • There is no such thing as too much love and affection (emotional and/or physical), so bring it on! Affection is the basis for developing an emotional connection with your children. The numbers to live by are 4:1. You want to aim to have a minimum of 4 positive moments of emotional connectedness for every 1 negative interaction you have with your child. Because physical affection is so important to your children’s development, you want to strive for 2 moments of daily physical connection. Keep in mind that there are more natural opportunities for physical closeness when they are young, as they will likely come to you and seek out that hug or snuggle. But as your kids get older, you may have to find more creative ways to connect. We always want to be sensitive to how/when our kids want to be affectionate, so those days of kissing your child goodbye in the carpool line may disappear, to be replaced with a “high five” or my personal favorite, “mommy, bump it.”

  • Firmness and consistency wins the race. There are tons of wonderful approaches to parenting out there, all taking a slightly different slant on the topic. No matter the approach that you pick, it’s the firmness and consistency with which you implement that method that will likely determine your success. I caution you to not project your feelings on to your kids. Unlike adults who may feel put upon by structure, it actually helps kids to thrive by developing an environment of safety and stability. When you give in to your child’s demands, you are sending a message that your own rules aren’t really important. That being said, make sure the rules you establish are there for a reason, and be open to tweaking and amending them when necessary. With a consistent and predictable environment, you will notice increased rule compliance (but yes, kids will still test limits). Your words will take on greater meaning, and you will be taking an important step toward minimizing tantrums.

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  • Equal does not mean fair. This is a very challenging concept for kids to digest, and is sometimes challenging for parents to wrap their heads around the concept as well. Many parents believe that if “I buy X for one kid, isn’t it only fair to buy X for all my kids?” Let’s think about this concept slightly differently. If a child needed eye drops because of an eye infection, are you going to line up the rest of your kids and give them eye drops as well? Of course not. So equal and fair are not synonymous. Rather, a common saying in our household is “everyone gets what they need.”

  • Sound byte your way to effective parenting. No one likes a lecture. Especially kids and especially if whatever lesson or nugget of wisdom you might want to impart is likely pointed or focused on something your child did wrong. Instead, try to model the public service announcement approach, and at quiet, uneventful times offer a sound byte of something you want to instill in them. For example, “It’s important to brush your teeth twice a day” or “Equal does not mean fair.” Let’s be honest: we all listen better when we feel like the lesson is not aimed at showcasing our flaws. So think of a rule or principle that is important to you and find ways to nonchalantly pepper that concept into your daily interactions with your kids. (This may work for partners also!)

 

  • Don’t parent to public opinion. Interactions with our kids typically feel more stressful and anxiety provoking when there is an audience around to witness the moment. However, it is imperative that we give our children consistent messages regarding what is or is not acceptable and not alter parenting practices because of that watchful eye. Chances are that any seemingly disapproving onlooker is probably just identifying with us, because they have been in our shoes. If we imagine them trying to subliminally offer support instead of judgment, it will remove the intensity from the moment, freeing us up to address the problematic behavior at hand.

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Dr. Alyssa Berlin is a clinical psychologist specializing in pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. She offers private counseling for women individually and with their partners. Dr. Berlin is the creator of The AfterBirth Plan™, a program that prepares couples for what to expect after a baby is born. The workshop teaches couples how to prepare for a healthy postpartum transition for the baby, for each partner, and for the evolving relationship. She combines her psychological background and her doula training to help women and their partners feel empowered and comfortable in the labor and delivery process, both on a physical and emotional level. Dr. Berlin has specific expertise addressing fear and anxiety that may arise before, during, or after birth.

 

Dr. Berlin is on the Board of Advisors for the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) and is a faculty member of Maternal Mental Health NOW Training Institute. She conducts live pregnancy and parenting workshops throughout Southern California and online. You can read Dr. Alyssa’s blogs on the Huffington Post where she contributes to PBS’s ‘This Emotional Life” project. Dr. Berlin received her doctorate degree at Argosy University in Atlanta, GA and went on to become a certified Gottman educator. She is a member of the American Psychological Association. She and her husband, prenatal chiropractor Dr. Elliot Berlin, live in Los Angeles and are the proud parents of four amazing children